


Autonomous Decay

by fuchsiagrasshopper



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, Unrelated (2007), Unrelated (2007) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Marriage, Reconciliation, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 18:38:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3392069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuchsiagrasshopper/pseuds/fuchsiagrasshopper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oakley is an adult, but that doesn't mean he has grown up since last we saw him. Marriage, work, and friendships still seem like topics he has more to learn about, but whether or not he can be bothered is the issue. His marriage to Evelyn is still something he wants to fight for, but with the uncertainty of his latest transgressions hanging between them, it might already be a lost cause. Can he fix the things broken in his life, or will time continue to move forward without him? AU into the future, Oakley/OC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Habits

Nail biting. Christ, it was a bad habit, and an even worse one to break. I never liked the comparative expression of anything being a real ‘nail biter’, whether it was in reference to a book or a film. Still, it was a sight better than smoking, and I was proud of the restraint I had showed when it came to sucking on a fag and ruining my lungs. It would make Evelyn happy. Evie was probably the root cause of my nervous habit. Scratch that lie; I knew she was. I have a terrible habit of lying to myself. It almost had gotten as bad as how often I lie to others. Almost as bad mind you. I’m still the champion of dishonesty when it comes to every single person in my life who’s important to me.

 _Enough of that Oakley_. I keep telling myself it’s going to be alright, but I don’t actually know that. I don’t even know if there’s anything left in me that needs the reassurance, it’s just become habit. I am a creature of habit after all, from what my mother always told me. As it turns out, some of them are harder to break than others, and of course that was the one piece of advice she left out from her speech when I was growing up.  Nothing learned, none the wiser.

Currently I was sitting at my desk doing a whole lot of nothing. For some ungodly reason, I ended up in real estate. Yep, my calling was apparently drinking overpriced coffee while walking through flats in central London that my clients couldn’t hope to afford. Living the dream. I’m laying it on pretty heavily with the sarcasm, but school was just another place I wanted to break free from, and I was hired on at a respectable enough agency that still allowed for me to be seen in front of my father and his friends come Sunday dinner once a month. I’ll say it one more time; living the dream.

My boredom had me reaching for my mobile, even as I called myself all of the foul names I could think of to prevent myself from doing so. I never used the office phone for personal calls, because that’s how much of a gentleman I am. The line was ringing, and I prayed for there to be no answer.

“ _Hello?_ ” said a high and flinty female voice.

“Hey,” I answered breathlessly. So much for my prayers being answered today…or any day.

“ _You’re at work?_ ”

“Hmm,” I wasn’t much of a conversationalist on the phone, but a text was too seedy, and I found it twisted my gut too much for days afterwards when I did, like the results of bad Mexican food. “You’re at home?”

“ _Studying. It’s raining outside_.” She paused for a long moment, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer after that. “ _I guess you didn't ring me up to chat about the weather though_.”

“Not particularly, no,” I said with a forced laughed. What came after was business as usual. A meeting set up in which I had to rework my agenda to fit in all of the other mundane shit from work. I tapped my pen on the surface of my desk calendar, looking at the thirteenth that was circled in red ink. I needed to remember that day; it was the least I could do. She was still droning on the other end of the line when Julian came around the corner of my office. He immediately frowned when he spotted I was engaged on my mobile, a roll of his glassy eyes following, something I always hated. Pious prick. I referred to him as that frequently, as was to be expected when he was in the role of my best mate. I quickly thought up a weak excuse to get off the line, barely muttering a pathetic goodbye as I hung up. Now here comes the really pitiful part; where I try and pretend I had not just been caught in the act.

“Did you need something?” I asked aloofly.

He blew out a sigh from his lips. Ah there it was; the judgement. “I was wondering about lunch, but if you’re too busy with other things.” He crossed his legs at his ankles, leaning on my doorjamb while he spoke with condescension.  Good to see you too mate.

“Lunch would be fine,” I said while grabbing my coat off from the peg on the wall.

Julian still had that sourpuss expression on his face, and it was irritating when he brought it out with us on the street. Couldn't he ever pretend he hadn't seen anything, look the other way for my sake? I said this to him just as our feet hit the pavement. I was met with surprise as my loafers hit a puddle. Damn, it was raining!

“Can we pretend you didn’t see that, just for today? I don’t want my lunch ruined.”

“My lunch is already ruined,” said Julian, his tone anything but light and playful. We were about the same height, but he was as thin as a rail, and I often thought about throwing him into a wall just because I knew I would have the upper hand. Goddamn bean pole. I knew it wasn't really his fault, but it was easier to direct my anger at him when he was toting around his holier-than-thou attitude.

“Say what you have to say then.” I was ready for whatever new insults he had for me.

“I've already spoken enough on that matter one too many times, and it’s clearly gone straight through your head and out of your ears.”

His reply wasn't what I had been expecting. Accustomed as I was to the discrimination, I had developed a sort of thick armor for his attacks, and now I was left feeling hollow without them. That’s fucked up.

“No Miller today?” I thought changing the subject would be a good thing, and bringing up our other friend was neutral territory.

“No, Wiley’s out for a showing.” Lucky bastard. Lunch was suddenly a terrible idea to have agreed to, and I would have given anything to have been walking around a central London flat with an old couple arguing over where they could fit their oversized couch.

We tucked in at a small café, Julian with his steeped tea and me with my black coffee. My coat was drenched from the rain, and I could feel my hair growing frizzy from the moisture. I looked a mess, and I felt it. Julian had the sense to have at least brought an umbrella with him, and I had only got to share about half of the space underneath on our walk over. That was certainly done on purpose.  His dark hair was still intact on his head, straight and clipped short to his neck.

“So are we still having dinner this weekend?” I asked, my knuckles grazing the white table cloth while I couldn’t’ reach his eyes.

“If it suits you and Evelyn.”

I winced at her name. His eyes narrowed, and likewise I pretended not to notice. See, it wasn’t so difficult a thing to do. “She’ll want to talk with Michelle, so I’m sure her answer will be yes,” I said evenly.

Our lunch continued to be like that, the deafening silence, until his mobile went off in his pocket. The caller was met with a smile by him, and he excused himself for a moment, leaving me with my dissatisfying coffee. It was obviously Michelle ringing him. My friend Julian was a man engaged, going on six months now. All of the wedding plans were finished, and I found myself as a groomsman. Just a groomsman, not the best man. Odd right, considering I was the ‘best friend’. I was sure this was his brand of punishment after he had recently found out about my latest debauchery. What he didn’t know was my current debauchery wasn’t so recent; it was an ongoing and long term situation. I had no plans of informing him of that though, lest I be banned from the wedding all together.

“Are you all finished?” It was the waitress who came by; her tray balanced under an arm while she wiped her hand over her sweaty forehead. She could use a good dose of the rain outside if she was that spent.

“Yeah, we’re all set.” I decided to pay for the both of us, just wanting this lunch to end. _Yeah Oakley, a cup of tea should bring him right around_. Stupid guilt.

The waitress tossed me a funny look for the low tip I provided her with. Well maybe if she hadn’t have sweated into my coffee, serves her right. Julian stepped around her as he returned, looking curious that his half of the tab had been covered by me. “We’re leaving then?”

“Yes, I still have appointments to make for a showing next week, and I’d rather finish today.”

Julian accepted my answer bereft of questions for once, and I sensed his hostility had shrunk a bit, because I was given more coverage under the umbrella on our walk back this time.  “Was that Michelle?”

He smiled again. I suppose that was appropriate for engaged couples. “Yes. She said dinner is at seven on Saturday, so you can pass along the message to Evie.”

I nodded obediently because it’s what the situation called for. We parted ways back at the office, he to his and I to mine. My rolling chair was more comfortable than a bed sometimes, honestly, and I had taken my fair share of naps there on slower days. I wish I could have then, but I did have real work to do, and I focused on completing my schedule shuffle around first. It was nearing the end of the day without my consent; a time I dreaded as I looked passed the framed photograph of Evelyn on my desk to the small ticking clock. The second hand twitched like it had a neurological disorder, and like always five o’clock came when I had to pick up my coat and leave the office to take the tube back home. Back to that place of white noise and cold sheets.

The arms of my chair hitting the edge of my desk signaled the workday had come to an end, and there was nothing else I could do. This was a free night, which meant a game of five hours of avoidance in my own home before sleep. Evie was so good at that game, she could always best me.

The rain had ceased at least, and my loafers snapped on the wet pavement as I made my way to the station. This part wasn’t so bad. I had this last bit of solitude, where my own thoughts took over and I could convince myself that everything was different…peaceful. The odd woman would stare my way, inviting me with their hips and their lashes, but I had no desire to respond anymore, for obvious reasons.

I loved the tube. Everything about London was familiar to me, but the tube carried the lifeblood of the city, its vessels stretching far so that everything could be seen. I wanted to get lost on its tracks, find myself somewhere else, someplace new. Nowhere was far away enough though, because what I wanted to get away from was always with me, and I couldn’t escape, not even for a day or two.

It arrived at my platform, and I only had another street to walk before my flat. The cabs were busy tonight, making my wait at every pelican crossing longer than usual. I pulled at the collar of my coat as a breeze picked up, gentle but biting as it kissed my face. My nose and cheeks were burning red as I got to the building door, no lights on in my flat as I gazed up at the windows. Was our game of avoidance now full on hide-and-seek? Only one way to find out. I sucked in a chilly breath as I put my key through the slot.

The stairs groaned as I trudged up the steps, but I knew well enough which places to avoid in order to make the least amount of noise. The neighbours worked shifts at the hospital—nurses—so it was out of respect that we kept the noise to a minimum. It didn’t mean I liked being greeted to dead silence as I came through the door. The only light left on was in the kitchen area, and after I threw my keys into the bowl on the table, I followed it. The drapes were drawn closed, and I was alone when I found a small note paper taped to the refrigerator.

_Supper is inside_

Short and to the point. I was quick to notice the absence of the heart or smiley face that used to end those little scrawls, like a signature. More evidence that she knew the truth.  I refused to acknowledge that though. I entertained myself with the leftovers; a small portion of beef mixed with creamy garlic potatoes. A big dinner, so it must have been from two nights ago, when I had found my meal elsewhere.

With my coat still on, I ventured down the hallway once my dishes were disposed of in the sink. They would be gone the next time I came back; somehow she always beat me to them. I could already see there was no light on underneath the door of the guest room. Evie’s room actually. She had staked her claim there weeks ago. I crept quickly towards it, clutching the round doorknob with my cold fingers as I turned it quietly. She was a sound sleeper, but I suspected she knew I checked on her like this without her permission. That seemed absurd, but it wasn’t as strange as not sharing a bed with your wife. Her back was to me, and her breaths were even under the pale moonlight. Asleep then. I felt that same longing to join her there, her skin as soft as the nightie she slept in. That right was no longer mine though, and it could hardly be said that Evie was mine. Affairs do that.

I shut the door again, and ventured into the master bedroom, devoid of life even when I was present. We should really get a pet, even though they were horrible on property value, and pity had to be taken on the following renters. I flung myself unceremoniously onto the large bed, getting swallowed up into the made bed sheets. I never made them, but they were always pulled tight when I came home. It must have been the only time Evie ever came back in here; when my presence wasn’t. The last I had seen of her in our shared quarters had been when she had been moving her clothing across the hall to the other room. I had never said a word.

 _Thomas Oakley, you are pathetic_. It felt good to remind myself of my father’s words every night before I retired. They weren’t even becoming true anymore; they had happened, long ago to a time I couldn’t recall. I sighed to myself, and still in my office clothes I slept, waiting for tomorrow that would kill me a little more with sexual excitement and bitter rejection.

 


	2. When I Was Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dinner at Julian's has arrived, and Evie and Oakley come to a crossroads.

Sometimes I think I was much more fun when I was young. People always say that they were something else different when they were younger, and the experience of growing old meant you lost a little more of yourself every year. I had yet to experience anything gaining as I tacked on a number to my age every year; just more loss. I doubt anyone noticed the change, not even Evie, who herself had changed so much as well in our time together. For me, I had gone from being a carefree and spirited youth to this weathered cynic with wrinkles deepening around his eyes. Seriously, my sharp snark could have shaved the hair off of a Hungarian woman’s back.

That Saturday dinner invite Julian had extended to use had come, and here I was rushing out of my side of the cab, trying to beat Evie from opening her door. I lost the race, because she already had the fare paid and was standing on the pavement with her shawl blowing in the slow breeze. There was no clear reason as to why I did those things—I still tried to be a gentleman for her—but it wasn’t out of guilt. It was the only thing that wasn’t bred from the guilt. Regardless of my poor representation in relationships, I only ever strove to treat women like princesses. I was just a man raised to be polite, meanwhile with the little detail that I was having an affair behind my wife’s back…or straight in her face.

 “We should have brought wine or dessert,” I said conversationally. My hands felt empty without anything to carry to the door, and placing the surface of my palm anywhere on Evie was not an option. Walking up the pathway towards our friends’ home with a foot of distance between us, we couldn’t be more obvious in trouble unless someone had tied us to a set of railroad tracks.

“No, I already spoke with Michelle yesterday, and she said there was nothing to bring that they wouldn’t already have,” said Evelyn. Her tone was less hateful tonight, likely because we would be in the presence of company. I was tempted to say something cheeky, just to see if it would win me any points. Probably not, but maybe a kick to my balls.

I looked up at Julian’s house, not knowing what I was feeling. Even before they were engaged, Julian and Michelle had decided that they would be a couple with children, and so it was goodbye to their flat in London and hello to the suburbs. Row housing was nauseating to look at. The lawns were all the same, as was the placement of the front porch and the chimney stacks. Every home was built of brown brick, and there were white bars on the windows. Seeing that this was Julian’s final choice, I liked to think I was the better realtor.

I pressed the doorbell after we had climbed the porch. The crushing silence had enveloped us once again, and it got me thinking about the quiet of the evening as we had spent our time getting ready in our flat. The lavatory situation was always tricky. We somehow had to maneuver our way around each other in the one small toilet we shared. Our hips had brushed up against each other for a moment as she applied her make-up and I my tie. Evie had pretended not to notice, but it was all I could think about still, along with the scent of her perfume. It was a new fragrance, one she must have bought with her own money. The bottles I had purchased for her remained full with disuse. She was too polite to throw them away though, even when she could have.

“Oakley, Evie,” Julian greeted, his smile wide as he flung open the door. I wouldn’t have been smiling if I was dressed in that hideous heather gray jumper. Good Lord, he’s become domesticized. “Michelle, they’re here.”

His fiancée came after he called, her arms immediately opened for Evie as we stepped inside of their foyer. Michelle was attractive, in a practical home-maker sense. Her dark hair was pulled into a tight cinnamon bun shape on the crown of her head like a ballerina, though she didn’t have the ankles to be a graceful dancer. She was shorter than my wife when they embraced, the flesh of her arms expanding as she squeezed Evie tightly. It looked like a funeral hug. Dinner at Julian’s always had an air of melancholy for me. It probably had something to do with the hostess of the home cursing the very oxygen I breathed. I suspected she knew my secret as well.

“You look beautiful Evie,” said Michelle as they finally broke apart from that ridiculous hold. She tossed me an unimpressed look, as if I had just stained the rug at her front door. “Hello Oakley.”

“Lovely to see you Michelle.” See, despises my guts. I only forced a semblance of diplomacy for Julian’s benefit, but me and his soon-to-be Mrs. wouldn’t be sharing afternoon tea any time soon.

“Come into the dining room. Wiley and Shannon are already here,” said Julian.

Oh sweet friendship! Wiley was the perfect ice breaker, and I was so hoping he had beaten us here, hence my delay in hailing us a cab on the way over. Shannon was another friend for Evie, and she was still friendly with me only because she and Wiley both were oblivious to my transgressions. Just another bridge to burn later I’m sure.

Our feet trampled together like a stampede as we walked through their narrow hallways to the dining room. Wiley and Shannon greeted us with beaming smiles as they already sat with their glasses of wine. Wiley was looking a little flush in the face from the drink, like he always did. Despite being the oldest, I always saw him as the most innocent of our group. It was probably that boyish haircut, the one every man can’t wait to grow out of with the blunt square fringe in the front.

I pulled a chair out for Evie, and she graciously accepted without having to look my way once. That was a special talent my wife had. Maybe I could admit that one hurt, after all, no one liked to see justifiable disgust fired back at them. The loathing looks had lessened in the past few weeks, into empty apathy. I hated that more because it gave me something to fear.

“Here’s dinner,” Michelle announced proudly as she came through the kitchen door with a casserole dish held between her two over-mitt covered hands. I could already tell we’d be eating something loaded with calories and smothered in cheese. I expect at this same time next year, Julian will only ever been seen in those jumpers as a Buddha belly will start to take growth underneath. “Enjoy everyone.”

“It looks delicious Michelle,” said Wiley, making small talk as he loaded his plate up.

Shannon looked distressed by her husband’s enthusiasm for the meal, sighing as she sipped at her wine. “I need cooking lessons.”

“Oh nonsense love,” Wiley leaned over in his chair and planted a loud kiss on her temple. “You know I’d starve without you.”

I picked away at the portion of my food with a fork, destroying it slowly with my already non-existent appetite. There was a time when I would have been the loudest and most talkative one at the table, but I faded into the gray backdrop as everyone else shared their stories of life, work and family. It’s not as if I expected more out of life, nor had my affair spawned out of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment. There was a bleak feeling I couldn’t give name to, and it had started gradually after the wedding. Five years isn’t a long time to be married, and in my heart I knew I still loved Evelyn. So why the affair? Believe me, if I knew that answer, I would have sought to restrain my weak inhibitions long ago.

“I would love to go into the city this week. Perhaps I could meet with you on your lunch Evie?” Michelle said with a smile at my wife.

“Wednesday would be good,” said Evie. “I’m off early at two.”

“Oh I would love to join you,” Shannon added. “I need to get away from the firm. Jerry’s been driving me crazy!”

I swallowed thickly at the mention of the word ‘firm’, quickly excusing myself from the table as I hastened away to the loo. Shannon was a legal secretary at a firm. She worked all day with solicitors, and solicitors reminded me of divorce…of Evie leaving me. I nearly stumbled down onto the closed toilet lid, breathing heavily as a cool sweat started on the back of my neck. Reminders like this always hit me hard, like an older woman having a hot flash in the middle of a Tesco. It made me confront my fear—whether I fought it or not—that it was likely Evie did know the truth. The only reason she hadn’t already filed a divorce would be because of my father. Oakley senior was an intimidating son of a bitch, make no mistake, and he had already been against out union since day one. I’m sure the one piece of advice Evie had regretted not following was my father’s stern warning to her.

I stood up and approached the mirror, leaning against the sink as I twisted on the taps. The water flowed freely into the sink, my relief trickling down on the porcelain. I don’t know what the cure-all was, but since man had first had a problem, it always seemed to be solved with splashing some warm water on the face, and I did just that. The liquid dripped down my face as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, the reflection continuing to be more of a stranger every day. My hair was shorter now in that it was clipped closer to my scalp, no longer a mass of messy curls. The white hairs haven’t set in yet—thank God—as I was still as blond as I had been when I was young. The stress got to me in other ways, my face being the prime target right around the eyes. I could laugh them off as smile lines, but age had mostly taken that jovial cheer right out of me.

After drying my face of excess moisture, I returned to the mirror again, standing in silence as my hand traced around my neck. The rope of leather that was once my most signature possession no longer rested there. I had gifted it to Evie on our honeymoon in Fiji, tying it around her ankle one morning in bed while she had still slept. I could still remember the scent of her skin as I had placed a kiss on her calf. A part of me doubted she would have held on to it now, and I would never bring myself to ask her.

“ _Oakley?_ ” The muffled voice of Julian called from the other side of the door.

Sick of myself, I stopped my pity party and opened the door before getting the lights. “Sorry I took so long,” I apologized.

“Not a problem, but we were getting worried that maybe you had caught something. You left the table looking paler than my mother’s china cups.”

“Hmm.” I didn’t really have an answer for that, and I’m sure the only ones who had fretted had been Julian, along with Wiley and Shannon. “I’m fine, no need to worry.”

“Well, come and have dessert then.” Julian didn’t seem convinced that I was in perfect harmony, but he let it go, and he couldn’t have been a more perfect friend for it at the moment.

The hallway led us back out to the dining room, plates scarce of food now, and the table cloth stained with crumbs and droplets of food. I took my seat again, Wiley and Shannon watching me while my wife carried on her conversation with Michelle. That seemed to put Shannon off of her tea.

“Evie, your man is looking a little green around the gills,” She laughed playfully, but I could see the rage it ignited in Evelyn.

“Really?” She asked without a trace of concern to be found. I froze as her eyes turned to me for the first time in what felt like an eternity of our strained nuptials. I had forgotten the honey hazel colour of her irises. “Are you alright dear?”

“Oh I’m sure it’s just a stomach spell. Let’s not ruin our dessert over it.”

“Indeed,” Michelle chimed in.

Between my wife’s acerbic tone and Michelle’s frosty look, poor Shannon appeared at a loss between her two friends. I envied her unawareness, something I would never be in this situation, seeing as I was the root cause.

The apple crumble was eaten in subdued silence, though Julian had shot me with a wry look for his fiancée’s behavior. I waved him off as it being fine. It had to be fine, because I couldn’t act superior in the situation I had dragged them in. The pie tasted bitter and sour in my mouth as I thought about what awaited me back at our flat. This was a rare night in which Evie had acknowledged me as something other than the phantom that split the rent with her, and I wondered if it would all come crashing down upon me.

Wiley and Shannon were the first to leave after the table had been cleared. They had driven in their own car to get here, but we were stuck waiting as I placed an order for a cab. In the time that we waited, I remained with Julian, and Evie was with Michelle, and the four of us pretended nothing was wrong. Sweet, sweet ignorance.

“It was good to see you Evie,” said Michelle in one final embrace. This woman and her hugs had me rolling my eyes to Sunday. “We’ll have to play host to you again sometime. I look forward to our lunch on Wednesday.”

“Yes, I’ll text you the details,” My wife promised. She slipped back into her shawl before I could get a chance to brush the long blonde curls from her shoulder.

Julian and Michelle watched our departure from their door, their figures holding each other close while my wife walked two steps in front of me; in case it wasn’t clear enough that things were already strained. The cabbie said not a word as we settled in, me handing him off the address before we were pulled back onto the road for London. I watched the street lamps pass us by, remembering with dread and excitement that tomorrow I would get to leave the flat for my appointment. With _her_. The guilt forced me to take a look at Evie in my peripheral vision, and my heart ceased up with how small she looked. How defeated.

I paid the fare this time, Evie leaving me for the front door of our building. She was slow with her key, and I caught up to her just as the cab’s tires screeched away. Her shoulders tightened, and I heard her curse under her breath before she was able to unlock the door. In her rush, it ended up slamming against the wall with a great _BANG_! Our poor neighbour nurses.

She needed a win, so I let her race up the stairs while I followed behind leisurely. She was still kicking out of her shoes as I closed our flat door behind me, my keys clanking as they landed in the glass bowl. Her need to be away from me again was palpable, and I felt an itch of annoyance at her intolerance of me. Then I did something stupid, something I didn’t think myself brave or capable enough of doing. I reached out to her.

Her skin prickled beneath my palm as I held her loosely by her arm, her breaths coming out ragged and uneven like a tortured animal. “Evie?” I said.

“What..?” Her answer was devoid of anything, so I pressed onward.

“St-stay with me tonight?” I actually stammered that. _Not impressive Oakley_.

Her eyes sought mine out, and for a moment I thought she would acquiesce to the request until she chuckled dryly. More of a scoff really. “When did you become so funny?”

I scowled. “I was being serious.”

“I know, and what a great punchline that makes,” She pulled herself out of my hold, looking angry without actually glaring. “You really are a child I’ve outgrown. Stop pretending this is normal Oakley. I live in the room across from you now, and I’ve been there for the past three months.”

“We’re not getting a divorce Evelyn.” I said this to be cruel, the one piece of power I now constantly held over her head. My God, I’ve become my father.

“You can keep me here Oakley, but even if it’s not in writing, our marriage is already over.” She tugged her shawl from her shoulders, dropping it on the settee in our living room before she moved around the coffee table to get to the hallway. There she goes running, away from me.

I followed at her heels, not having finished my say, whatever that was supposed to be. In all of the excitement, I had forgotten my purpose. Being the stupid fool I was, I continued to pretend, back building on an exposed lie. “I haven’t done anything wrong Evie.”

She stopped at the guestroom door, clutching at the jamb tightly. Her room. “Goodnight dear.”

With my mouth agape, I stood stupid, long after her lights had went out, and I could hear the ruffling of sheets. We were back to pretending again; her with her silence, and me with my lies. We wielded them against each other, but her armor withstood the attacks better than mine. She always was a warrior; my warrior. But never again it seemed. I vanished into the master bedroom with this thought in mind, distressed with myself that I took comfort in the fact that at least Evie was still here with me, even if it was in the room across the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for those reading. I know this is a slow category, but I appreciate every word you guys give me :D


	3. Kohtalo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oakley's Anniversary to Evie is approaching, and he searches for a proper gift, while searching himself for other things as well.

“What do you want out of life?” I asked this question aloud while lying in disarray in the middle of the bed, my hands resting up behind my head on the pillow as I stared at the popcorn ceiling. It was such a cliché thing to ask of someone, but I couldn’t help but search for this answer from every person I came across. I was such a cliché.

“That’s a loaded question,” She answered me from her spot on the chair by her desk, already reading from one of her large textbooks. She somehow managed to fit all of herself onto the tiny chair with her legs crossed like a child’s, huddled in an oversized football jersey. She never wore my clothes after. “Are you always this deep post-coital, or only when I suck you off?”

For a moment I was caught up in the excitement of her words, wanting to blush like I was a teen again, but I quickly remembered that I was a man married, too old to still fall under such proclivities. I needed a shower to clear away the truth, because the layer of lies I buried myself in was my only protection when I would leave this place.

“No, I mean, what’s in your future? It’s got to be more than this,” I said, gesturing around to her cramped and worn flat. The floor was littered in books, enough to trick visitors into thinking an old Geri lived there, and there was the distinct smell of dust and mothballs. The white walls were no longer perfectly bleached, and I could tell the last tenants had smoked from the yellow sheen of decay. This place was no easy sell. 

“What, are you saying my place is a shithole?” She cursed, something I found she did often. It was a trendier way of speaking for the youth I once felt myself a part of. Now I was only fooling myself.

“Well, I’ve seen better, yeah, but that’s not my point.”

She laughed, dropping her pen while she swiveled around in her seat to face me. “In your search for the deeper meaning, are you asking about a husband, kids?”

“Sure,” I agreed, though I doubted if this young woman before me would ever settle for either. She didn’t strike me as the type. She wasn’t nurturing or patient, this student of psychology, and I expected she would run around the world just as soon as her PhD was in her hands. Not like me at all. In my boring thoughts, I found the idea of children very appealing. _Good luck making that a reality Oakley_. Evie would make a great mother. My eyes darkened.

“Oh no, are those black thoughts rolling up on you again?”

I sat up with a huff, letting the sheets and duvet fall down to my naked waist as I reached for my trousers. I hated how she was able to read me, and even more that she looked as guilty as I felt. She was such a hypocrite for feeling like a betrayer by playing the other woman, yet she had no trouble agreeing to each of these meetings at my requests, or sometimes herself being the instigator. It was disgusting, the whole thing, and I was a slave to it.

“I need to leave, I’m having lunch with Julian anyway,” I said as I worked quickly on the buttons of my shirt, moving all the way up to my collar.

“That’s no surprise,” She commented offhandedly. “You share everything with him, don’t you? The older brother you never had, or maybe because you can’t talk to your father?”

  
“Alright, enough of that. Stop trying to psychoanalyse me; the son competes with his father because he wants to sleep with his mother bullshit,” I snapped. It wasn’t the first time she had gone prying into my private affairs, and it wouldn’t be her last. This was her nature.

“I’m not a Freudian, and I’m not trying to psychoanalyse you, relax yeah?” She placated. “And you’d know a little more about my studies if you’d bother to ask.”

“I don’t ask because I don’t care.”

Her eyes narrowed, and I could sense a spat brewing like a storm in her gaze. “Right, because all you need here is to get your cock wet. Maybe I should be asking you what you want out of life, because you have a wife for all that other shit. What are you even doing here; free counselling?”

“I told you not to mention my wife while I’m here,” I said, getting into her face suddenly while she flinched back in her chair, a terrified look in her eyes. I must have been snarling like a mad dog, and maybe even frothing at the mouth as I jabbed my finger at her. The anger was most certainly staining my neck red, all the way up to my ears.  “You just need to lie back and keep your legs spread, alright darling? Because everything else, all of the talking and the bullshit, I forget that just as soon as I leave this building.”

 _Stupid cunt_. I slammed the door after I left in a huff, half surprised the weak hinge didn’t break free from the force. Those rows were something common, and were happening more frequently in the past weeks. Oh well, she’d be over it soon, and we’d continue where we left off the next time. She was as ruined as I was, no close connections or relationships to get in the way of our tryst. There was stability in her instability. The only thing that existed between her and I was the need, and God was it compelling.

I wandered aimlessly for a good while, shooting out a quick text to Julian, inquiring of our meeting spot again. It seemed in my mood, I had forgotten the plans. He would be annoyed with me, and he would know what I had gotten up to because I hadn’t taken the time for a shower. Instead I had rambled on about life, a topic I was less than qualified to discuss. Before the self-loathing could continue, he answered with the address and I was on my way in a cab.

The thirteenth of the month was growing closer, as was my conflict for the day. Trying to decide what was appropriate was a difficult task, and whether or not Evie would be receiving of a gift from me. While most men were guilty of forgetting the dreaded Anniversary day, I was fortunate enough to keep it engraved in my head and my heart. It was dreaded for an entirely different reason now, my marriage being in complete shambles as it was, there wasn’t much to be celebrating that day. Although I was once certain the day would never come that Evie would serve me with divorce papers, I couldn’t help but feel that moment was now hastily approaching. The threat of my family, or rather, the threat of my father, wouldn’t be enough to keep her forever, and I began to understand I had been wrong about her will to withstand what I did to her. It was a senseless fight that I continued to battle, thinking I could somehow get Evelyn to fall in love with me again. She wasn’t going to be caught by the same trap twice after springing free from it. I still loved her, but I didn’t know how to properly or effectively anymore.

The cab dropped me off at my location, finding Julian already waiting as I strode across the pavement. He didn’t look as peeved as I expected him to, which meant he must have not been left seething long in my delay. The smile he shot me was pretty forced though, resembling more of a glower. And he was supposed to help me decide on an Anniversary present too. He probably thought I had been taking the piss when I suggested that. Maybe I had been.

“Sorry about that,” I said as I stood in front of him, hands shoved deep into my pockets like I might find gold.

“Ten minutes longer and I would have left you,” He said back to me, pushing off the wall as we started walking down the block. I felt the sidelong glance he tossed me, that critical glassy stare of his scrutinising me. “You look horrible.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a chuckle. “I don’t feel so hot right now.”

“The McAlister couple giving you trouble?”

Work was the least of my worries, but I was thankful that he didn’t allude to my other concerns. My face was haggard, my hair was askew, and I definitely smelt of Burberry perfume. A good mate could always be trusted to put you in your place without being an arse about it, and I constantly had Julian for that, even if he annoyed the piss out of me sometimes.

“They’re torn between two places, one of them mine, and the other to our competition.”

“Well, let’s hope they make the right decision then.”

“You’d better mean me.”

“Who else?” He jested while grinning. “When matched against the great Thomas Oakley, who could compare?”

“I hope no one, but who knows.” I shrugged like I was humble, but I couldn’t resist basking in his own hidden appraisal, my ego needing the boost.  Most would argue that I needed to tone my own self-worth down a tad, Evie included, but I knew it was my confidence that attracted people to me, and I wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Did you have any ideas?” He asked, and I was lost on the meaning.

“About what?”

“On what you want to get Evie for your Anniversary?” He tossed me a knowing look that made my skin shrivel up like a prune.

“What do you buy a wife in a situation like mine?”

“A boat,” He joked chortling. “So she can sail far away with bags of your money.”

“Given the chance, my mother probably would have done just that to my father,” I said, ignoring the taunt aimed at me.

“Really? Oakley senior seems like such a great chap too. I can’t imagine a luckier woman than your mother.” His sarcasm was thick, and I could forgive him for it because I often spoke of my family in the same manner, particularly dear old dad.

“She beams with pride.”

“I’m never joining your family for holiday suppers,” He said, shaking his head with a horrified look.

The talk of food made me hungry, considering I had only enough time in the morning for a breakfast biscuit and tea, and I was glad we were stopping for a late lunch. The day was crisp and clear, and I had nearly forgotten the events of the morning. I was too content, a happiness around me being spent twice as fast had half a life to live, and I knew I was about to lose it all.

We walked into the small café together, the quiet sounds of whispered voices reaching us without being able to make sense of the words. I went to speak with the host for a table, a portly man, middle-aged but with all of his hair intact. I couldn’t have been up there for more than a few seconds before I was interrupted by Julian, pulling back on my shoulder with urgency.

“I think we should eat some place else,” He said, a slight edge of panic in his tone.

“Why?” I asked my friend, turning to look at him in scrutiny as he adopted a wide-eyed look of fear.

“Please Oakley, we need to leave,” He pleaded.

I watched as his glance shifted about, not so subtly did it turn towards the centre of the restaurant for a moment before it landed back on me. I regretted looking over my shoulder the moment it happened, because the breath was sucked out from my lungs, and I felt my heart fall down into my stomach like a stone hitting the bed of a river. Julian had only been trying to warn me, save me from a most unusually cruel fate that some probably agreed I deserved. Evelyn was there, eating lunch as normal people do at that time of day, but she was not with a work friend, nor was she with Michelle. She was in the company of another gentleman—innocent enough—if hadn’t have been for their interlocked hands and shared amatory gaze by candlelight, lighting me on fire from within until I felt the cold breeze blow on my neck as Julian dragged me from the premises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that took so long, school is busy and I have other stories I'm working on, but I was inspired to make another chapter for this because it's such a fresh idea for me and I rarely write in narrative. We got to see the mistress, but I'm keeping hush on details about her on purpose for now just so the comparisons between her and Evie don't start right away. Enjoy and comment!


	4. Closets

Julian was a good friend, for the most part, but he must have been mental when thinking it was a good idea to take me to a pub for a pint. Maybe he was as shocked by the revelation as I was, and wasn't thinking straight, because he ordered one for himself as well. He didn't drink it though, just sat staring into it with it poised between his hands as it frothed over the rim. I wasn't shy to alcohol though, and we were far from strangers as I was well onto my third when I began to slur noticeably, all sorts of nonsense born of anger and betrayal.

"Why'd you take me here...I should have confronted her about...why," I managed to say in distress, feeling entirely too ordinary at that moment. Men like me weren't supposed to be cheated on. Or maybe I was the perfect candidate.

"No, that would've been a disaster. The amount of hypocrisy in that conversation would have been enough to cause a star to collapse in on itself, I had to get you out of there," Julian reasoned as he finally took a sip of his pint, frowning at it afterwards as he held away in his hand.

"But...how could she," I murmured pathetically, like I was the first bloke to have his wife fool around behind his back.

"Are you serious right now?" Julian exclaimed, his face twisted in annoyance as he set his glass down. I'd seen that look before, around the office when he couldn't make a sale. Not going to bode well for me, I think. "Oakley, remind me of what you've been doing for months now?"

"You think Evie knows?" Of course she did, but I hadn't been forced to believe it until now, and I was still trying to fight off its occurrence taking place in my reality.

"She's known for a while, evidently."

"Did you tell her?" I asked,  incredibly defensive and irrational. My raised voice had some people staring, but I didn't give two shites about that.

"No, and settle down. You sound like a complete arse behaving this way," He told me matter-of-factly. "Evie's known for a while, she confided in Michelle all about it. This can't honesty be a surprise, I mean, you sleep in separate rooms."

Well, only a true friend would be that honest. What a dick. "Your fiancée is a cunt, she probably suggested the idea to Evie...did you know?" I was shouting again, and now stumbling off my stool as I jabbed an accusing finger in his face.

"Christ Oakley," Julian said as he got out of his seat, grabbing me roughly by the shoulder as he steered me towards the door after dropping some money for the drinks. I fussed the whole way, glaring at the other patrons with their judgemental stares. Julian gave me a good shove when we hit the pavement outside, me almost falling arse over tit while he watched on without sympathy. "You had better watch it friend, I'm the only one putting up with you right now, and if you want me to help you, insulting Michelle isn't the way to go about it."

"She hates me," I mumbled, sobering a bit at his words.

"Yeah, only because you fuck around too much to be given respect. And of course I didn't know about Evie with that...other guy. I would have been more adamant about you fixing your mess if I had."

I believed him. He was always on me about the affair as it was, but not enough that he suspected something from Evelyn. God, her name hurt. "I can't believe this is happening."

Julian sighed, seeing how pitiful I had become. "Look, I'm not defending her choices, but it does make sense she would go outside your marriage for comfort. She doesn't see there is anything left to fight for, not after knowing what you've done."

"Is there...anything left to fight for?"

"I don't know, that depends entirely on you I'd expect."

I wanted to hear everything was going to be okay, that this was all just a nightmare I'd wake up from tomorrow. Where were his words of comfort that Michelle had obviously given to Evie? I wanted that same treatment, but Julian was unrelenting. "I need to talk to her," I decided irrationally.

"Oh no, not like this," Julian said as he halted me from bolting back down towards the café where _they_ likely weren't even present now. _Them_ …her and that other man with the stubble. "You'll have to confront her eventually, but sober, when you'll have to come clean with your affair too. Are you ready for that?"

No, never that. I thought I'd eventually stop, and things would just return to normal in my marriage. I expected Evie to forgive and forget, and I realized I didn't know her at all then. She would never handle my bullshit, and I don't know why I wanted her to. To make the guilt lessen I suppose.

A churning began in my gut, a storm rising that had little to do with alcohol consumption. "I think I'm gonna be sick," I slurred.

The wet sound of my stomach contents hitting the pavement made tears burn in the corners of my eyes, blinding me momentarily. When I looked down at the ground I saw that I had got sick all over Julian's shoes. It was thinned from the alcohol, an off shade of yellow mixed with what I suspected was the remnants of my breakfast. It didn't look good on Julian's expensive loafers, but I found it a tad amusing. Well shit, duck and cover my friend.

"Lovely," Julian said sarcastically as he started to kick his feet about to clear away the sick, a disgusted look on his face.

"Sorry mate," I said absent of sincerity while wiping my mouth on my coat sleeve. My tongue was fuzzy and sticking to the roof of my mouth like Velcro. "I need to lie down."

"You can't go back to your flat looking a mess, Evie will know something is wrong. Best come home with me until things are settled, and you aren't reeking of Heineken's and pub smoke."

"No, I need to talk to her, tell her it's not too late." Too late for what, I didn't know. Nothing smelt more of desperation than red eyes and putrid beer breath.

"That's surprisingly noble of you Oakley, but right now might not be the best time to unburden yourself of secrets."

Julian started to tug me along like a teacher would a naughty student on the school yard, and I was shoved roughly by my collar into the cab he hailed. The cabbie mostly kept to himself after Julian said his address, though I could feel the odd stare in the reflection of the mirror watching me. I didn't pay it much heed, the ride passing me by as I tucked my chin into my shoulder like an owl at rest. The day was still young, too early to be inebriated and heartsick like a lad in secondary school. How long had I pretended Evie didn't know? Until it had become routine I suppose. Even though I was sure I had expelled everything in my stomach onto pavement and loafers, I felt the same compelling urge to retch, and the bumpiness of the ride wasn't helping matters.

"I know you don't need to hear this, and it won't do you any good now, but it's going to be okay Oakley. You'll keep moving forward, regardless of what comes after today. You were always tenacious, a risk taker, so why should that change because of this?"

Julian's words, good attentions aside, were dated. My tenacity that he knew me so well for in University was well beyond it's expiry. I was constantly a pessimist now, and all of my less than favorable qualities had returned. I slacked on my work, I didn't care enough about my marriage to put any real effort into it, and I was unfaithful like the so many times before I had even heard Evelyn's name. What use did this world have for me?

I managed to sit myself upright in the cab's backseat before we arrived at Julian's abode, wanting to not look completely hopeless as I adjusted the buttons of my coat. The street was quiet and cold, no one home on an afternoon with work and social events still in full swing. Julian paid the fare while I slowly exited the cab, the cabbie sharing his opinion on the problem before I was out of earshot.

"Things will look up mate, don't worry about it."

I would have said something biting in return, because those were empty words at best from a total stranger, but it just so happened that he gave me the pity Julian was withholding, and I took it all with greed. Pity wasn't so bad right now.

I started up the walkway to Julian's front door, not daring to take a step further without him or reach for the bell. A vicious dragon was inside, and I wasn't equipped with a sword and shield to face off with his fiancée.

"Just relax and let me do the talking. You tend to make her angry on a good day, and with this stuff with Evie, it's only going to rile her up," Julian explained to me before he inserted the key into the lock.

I never made a promise to keep quiet. I may have been under the weather and completely wrought with despair, but I would defend myself to Michelle if I had to. She would attack my character, and I couldn't keep quiet about that. I got the feeling she never took a fancy to me, and that made us incompatible.

"Michelle?" Julian called tentatively from the foyer. Guess I wasn't the only one afraid of the dragon.

"You're home?" She answered, walking into the hall with a smile. Until she saw me that is. There's the frown I had come to know, and it made me feel right at home. "What's he doing here?"

Oh pleasant. She didn't even address me when I was standing right on her ugly carpet. "He needs a place to sleep for the night. Can we talk in the kitchen love?"

Although he tried to placate her with sweet names and quick speaking, her eyes lit up like an eruption of a volcano at the prospect of hearing my circumstance. "Evie kicked you out finally then; are you going to divorced?"

"Michelle—" Julian started.

"I knew it would happen soon, but I can't believe she didn't ring me up first."

"We aren't getting a divorce!" I snapped, breathing hard as my voice cracked. Jesus, so masculine. "Why would that be happening soon Michelle, something Evelyn told you hmm?"

If she was surprised by my reaction, she didn't let on about it, but she did stop smiling in the face of my shambled life. I hadn't even got to shrug out of my coat yet, instead arguing at their front door with a clock ticking on the wall, nervously as a monitor in a clinic hooked up to a patient with congestive heart failure.

"It's funny you'd word it that way, me and Evie divorcing soon. I was with Julian today, looking for her anniversary present when we stopped in for lunch," She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, eyes skirting down to her hands while I pinned her with a stare. "Imagine my surprise seeing Evie, both of us really, right Julian?"

"Oakley, this isn't helping," said Julian tiredly.

"I don't care, nothing helps right now," I said, disregarding him in his own home. "You knew Michelle, and I don't know how long, but you knew."

"I did," She said, not bothering to hide anything or ask for confirmation. Her honesty was appreciated, only because she had the grace of guilt that I was forever without. Even though she hated me entirely, and I was sure of that, she wore a grave expression, rubbing at her arms to shake off the cobwebs that were there from her closet of skeletons. "And I was happy for her, after I got over my initial disappointment. You make people stoop to your level I guess."

Apparently the cliche of 'two wrongs don't make a right' was waved for Evie because it was a wrong done unto me. I got the suspicion that Michelle had tried to ward me away from Julian like I was a bad omen too. Unfaithfulness wasn't a disease, but it was spreading like one where I was concerned, and maybe her worries were justified. I never thought Evie would cheat on me, and look where that landed me.

"I just...I need a night away to think. Your hopes of a divorce could become reality tomorrow," I said to Michelle, humbled by the opinions of this home maker without children. "Please Michelle, can I stay here for tonight?"

She sighed, crossing her pudgy arms with a shrewd look painted on her mouth. "One night, only because of Evie though."

At that point I didn't care what her reason was. I wanted cold water and a bed, and maybe for dementia to set in so I'd forget, but I'd settle for the first two.

"You'll have to call Evie and let her know Oakley is here," Julian piped up. He had discarded his coat and shoes, the loafers now stained with a mysterious coating that only we were privy to. "It can't be Oakley, she'll suspect something. Say we got a touch of something from lunch. She'll believe you before she would me; assume I am covering for him most likely."

Michelle looked beyond peeved at Julian's request, while all I wanted to do was embrace him, and maybe kiss his absurdly thin face. "Fine, but I'll only do him a favour once," She said, pointing to me with a withering look. "When you leave tomorrow Oakley, you get it sorted yourself."

I nodded quietly, slipping out of my shoes as I looked down their hall. "Right, I'll just see myself to bed then."

I wasn't too far down the hallway when I heard Michelle ask what that horrible smell was. Smirking slightly, I wondered if he would be asked to leave his shoes outside. I could have continued to the spare bedroom in their home, the single bed calling to me and my pounding head, but I remained floating in the corridor, listening as Michelle rang up Evie. I was curious if she would even be home—home from her rendezvous.

“Evie?” Michelle said, “Hi, sorry if I’m interrupting you. You knew Oakley was out with Julian today right?”

There was a pause, I hated that I couldn’t know my wife’s answers, or her tone. Was it sweet and chipper at the prospect of my absence, or had her new bed fellow made her happy because of his company?

“They’re both here, feeling under the weather. I guess it was something they ate,” said Michelle, her voice barely concealing her distaste for the lie. “I just thought I’d let you know so you aren’t calling up the Scotland Yard with a missing person’s report.”

She laughed at something Evie had said, and I wanted to paw at the walls to know what. I settled for pulling at my hair instead. My poor curl; they were innocent in all of this, and yet a contributing factor to what I was.

“Did you want me to get Oakley for you?” I waited with bated breath. Why would she give Evie that option? I’ll admit I wasn’t as terrified at the prospect of speaking to her as I thought I’d be, but I was quickly disappointed when Michelle continued speaking. “He’s sleeping right now, but I’ll let him know later that I told you, alright?”

The phone clicked after, and my vision darkened. She had not wanted to speak to me. Whatever false illness she thought I was suffering from, she didn’t think it was good reason to wake me from slumber and have me come to the phone. Along the way, through all of the lying and games we played, I had missed the detail that Evie truly hated me. There was nothing I could do about that in a suburb outside of London, trapped like a dormouse, and I dragged myself down the rest of the hallway, crawling onto the small bed with my coat still clinging to my shoulders, feet dangling off the bed because of my height. The thing was so small, it must have been from Ikea. 

The couple left me alone for a while, until I lost track of time staring at the ceiling, a trail of tears streaking down each side of my face. It was hard to breathe now, my nose congested and my airway tight from weeping like a child. It was good practice for Julian and Michelle anyway, though I wasn’t about to beg for a bottle. I closed my eyes, wanting the pain to stop in every space of my body it occupied. It was almost unbearable, and here swaddled in my coat I drifted off to things I had long since forgotten, that needed remembering.

I never did get to find Evie's anniversary present... 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will have a flashback of Evie and Oakley before the affair, happier times as it were!


End file.
